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I ain't ded yet
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aquila_dominus
So, I am taking a leap of faith, and I'm posting this in the clear, hoping it doesn't come back to bite me professionally. The reality is though, if my kith don't actually know what's going on, my kith can't help me.

I'm in a very bad head space right now. I'm in a job that I used to love (years ago) and now hate, and I do not use that word lightly. I do not trust the company I work for anymore, on multiple different levels. These things have combined to have a severe impact on my health, not just my mental health, but my physical health. This is turning into a pretty bad downward spiral, with the factors feeding each other.

I am glad that 2014 is over, it can die in a fire. It even gave me the parting present of being triggered at the last. That said, I will focus on the positive things I did get: our porch is finally complete and beautifully done; I had a fantastic 2 week vacation that included spending time with my brother, several old friends, 2 very wonderful people getting married, and Colonial Williamsburg which had not been visited by the suck fairy; my parents in excellent health; the 2 wonderful people relocating from TX to our town; purchasing and using kayaks; and well, my kith, who have helped me keep it together whether they know it or not.

What do I need right now though? Some support. I'm on the ledge and I need not to fall off said ledge. I will be calling my therapist tomorrow to restart talk therapy, but I need my friends to just reach out every once in a while and ask how I'm doing. If I say "good", or "fine", or "OK"; I'm lying. If I tell you why I'm good, or fine, or OK; I'm not lying. I don't need to be checked on every day, I just need to know that I'm not alone. That, and I need to post more, even if it's just to say "ain't dead yet".

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Ken.....

Much love. Much Light. Many, many hugs very, very soon.

~Allyson

Will do what I can. HUGS. See you soon? Did you get the reading spot?

I am glad to hear from you, I had been looking for you on skype and getting worried. After this weekend and grandpa's celebration of life, things should settle back down for me, and I will be around in the evenings again if you want to chat.

I am still here listening.

Did you post pictures of the porch anywhere online?

Here any time you need us. Keeping you in our thoughts.

I mostly lurk here (with fairly frequent thoughts of posting but then second-guessing what I'd say and, well, yeah....) but I check in at least 1-2 times a week. Plus, you have my digits and e-mail. Ready to shield and support as desired.

Hugs.
We are here if we can be of assistance.

I'm so sorry to hear things are so rough for you. It sounds like you're doing all the smart things there are to do, to get hold of at least the internal factors. For external...sending all the good juju I've got that one of the folks who has heard you speak at a conference shows up on your virtual doorstep soon, with an offer of an appropriately-compensated job that can be done from where you are, so you can stay in the space you love. This may not be an appropriate job level for you anymore, but I know that they use at least some of your type of expertise, and it would seem to be a manageable commute: https://www.smartrecruiters.com/nfrastructure/80491239-senior-dba-?source=Indeed.com

Edited at 2015-01-09 08:05 pm (UTC)

for the sentiment and the potential position. Malta would be a much longer commute than I have now, but much shorter than anything I had in TX; and while I am more than willing to step backward in position to get out of where I'm at, I unfortunately do not meet the quals as I do not have Oracle experience. I'm now at the point where I've run a full budget and know the floor of where I can go salary wise. It's not as far down as I'd hoped, but does open more opportunities than I had before. As to 2015, I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and form the change I want to see.

Best to your and yours.

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