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A long
overdue post about the state of me.

I am currently fighting depression pretty hard and quite frankly, I'm losing. That's the short story.

The longer story starts, and pretty much ends, with I hate my job. I really am reticent to post anything about work on public sites, even when my name is not directly connected, because I know future employers look at such things. I know this, because I do. That being said, I have hit the cliff where I need a place to vent and for the most part, this is where the people that will listen are... assuming they're still listening since I've been quiet for so long.

At this point, my career... isn't. 5 years ago, I was a rising star on the project and in the company. I was the number 2 in my department. I had visibility from other sectors and divisions within the company. Today, I am number 5 in the department and with the corporate wide reorg, likely going to drop even further. My views are only listened to in a very narrow range of my skillset and even then only occasionally, when it fits with the 'vision' they have. My expertise doesn't matter when I tell them they are on the wrong path, because it is the path that is deemed desirable. I am an obstructionist, incapable of change when I disagree. I'm only an expert when I agree.

I should have followed the signs when my boss changed 4 years ago. I should have left the company when I was at a high and now, I'm at a low and dropping and in a market that makes it an extreme challenge to move at my job grade.

I'm tired and not operating anywhere near 100%. Depression defends itself, so I'm having a hard time keeping after the exercise. I can't stay focused on anything long enough for it to help. My photography is stalled at best, I have no thoughts. I am literally losing sleep because of my job, and if that weren't bad enough, when I do sleep, half the time I'm dreaming of work.

This is me, not in a good headspace and trying to tread water. I will pull through, its what I do, but this time the cause and trigger of my depression will not potentially split my friendships and I can post about it and I can reach out and I can honestly say to people I know, "I need help". One of the caveats to that help however is, I cannot relocate as part of a new job. That has many reasons, but it is still a truth.

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No advice, but lots and lots of love from someone who's been under that couch.

Is there anything I can do to help? Company, music, bringing over some old hardware to smash?

Whoops. Sorry, that was me.

*hugs* I am struggling right now, too, but I am sending you what strength I can spare.

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