In today's news...
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I broke rule 1.

For those who don't know, rule 1 at Mandala House is: "No trips to the ER unless it is a SACVAP escort, or you are assisting someone else".

Peter Olsen and I made cheese yesterday, one of which required spending time in a cheese press. Since I have decided cheese making is something I want to continue with, [personal profile] cluegirl and I bought a new cheese press yesterday as well. Trying to get the cheese out of it this morning, I cut the middle finger of my left hand... fairly deep.

Clue was making pancakes and asked if I'd broken rule 1, to which I replied I might have. I applied heavy pressure for 10 min and then we tried superglue... the cut started bleeding again almost immediately and the superglue wouldn't dry. After another 10 min of pressure and still a good amount of blood, we decided it was time for Urgent Care.

Ok, I like the idea of Urgent Care vs the ER, and I understand there are some things the ER is better suited for, but to NOT have someone at the Urgent Care certified to do stitches??? They sent me to the ER, fortunately before they did anything they would have to charge me for.

We got to the ER, the triaged the wound and sent me to Track B (Fast Track). In Track B they shot my finger overfull of local. It hurt like a wasp sting and then some. I say overfull because my finger was literally twice as big around at the base. Very quickly the numbness took over, for which I was quite glad. Especially when the Doc came back and started scrubbing. They wanted it very clean since there was little doubt it had been exposed to bacteria (remember cheese?). I also got my tetanus shot. Ever 10 years, almost to the month, I've done something that requires one; last shot? April, 2004.

On the way out, we also discovered that I beat the rush.

So, more on the cheese later. Exciting stuff was discussed... and not exciting in the way of today's events.
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I appear
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to be drunk... ok, not exactly unplanned.

anyway, I'm likely to answer questions if asked. Questions and answers are screened, however I will also answer questions via emails.

Sooo
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There I was, walking along through Lowe's, minding my own business, looking for garbage cans, when suddenly I found myself in need of a hand truck...

It appears that Catt and I bought a new sink for the back bathroom; and a new faucet to go with. We've been talking about this since September actually, and we were looking today and found a better sink, more suited to the space, for less money. Amusingly, the faucet cost a dollar more than the sink.

So, it wouldn't be quite as amusing, if it weren't for the fact that in the last 7 days we now have a tally of: a new faucet for the kitchen sink; the bathroom items mentioned above; aannnndddd, a new range for the kitchen. Adding to that will be the new porch in the spring when our contract can actually work.

It appears that Mandala House is making her will known for the spring.

Drunk night
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I will be drinking, and online. Feel free to ask any question, questions are screened.

If you
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celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy the holiday to its fullest extent.

Once again
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Dominus posts an entirely randomly timed post.

Right now, I'm holding the big black dog at bay, but not without quite a lot of effort. There are a lot of things going well for me right now, and yet fighting the depression is an amazing challenge. Well, not that amazing to those that have been truly depressed before.

The big culprit is still work. The environment was bad under ex-boss, as you few, you happy few, who still read my journal know. Well, he's been gone for right at a year now and while the work environment is better, much better really, four years of that environment has really soured me on the place. Throw into the mix eighteen months of "transformation" across the whole company, and I'm really despising the place more than ever. They are playing games with the "layers" and the "levels" in such a manner that directly impacts me, and in ways I don't care for. Add in the fact that to really advance my career at this point, I have to either travel 100% or relocate, neither of which is really an option for me. Plus, I do not trust the company anymore. I am at the point where on Sunday nights I have trouble sleeping, and I'm pretty sure that gestating an ulcer. I need out and I want out.

I have applied for a job that looks pretty awesome, and I meet all the requirements. It would be interesting, a real challenge (which I've not had in quite a while), a positive work environment, and health benefits worth something. I've made some contacts, and I'm hoping for the best on this one. I really, really want, at bare minimum, an interview. If I can get in face to face, I can convince them I'm the right person for the job.

On the home front, we're working on refinancing the house in order to rebuild the porch and hopefully paint the house as well. We've locked an interest rate 2 1/2% below our current and we've got all the paperwork in. Now we're just waiting on the appraisal... which is nerve wracking. We do have the contractor ready to start the preliminary work to shore the porch up for winter. That starts the week of the 16th, so we really need the weather to hold off till after it's done.

Other than that, I've not had the energy for much more, and what I have had is going into the house. This long weekend is really a blessing for me. It will help me recharge the batteries a bit, relax some and hopefully get a little more of a head start on the big black dog.
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Life with Clue and Dominus
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Clue: We could watch the destruction from our space lab in space.

Dominus: We have a space lab in space?

Clue: Oh shit… That was supposed to be a surprise.

Dominus: Was that supposed to be my Christmas present; because as Christmas presents go, it’s not terrible.

Clue: I heart you so big right now

I now have
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new ink.

So, several years ago I asked Clue to design me a tattoo of a knotwork dophin. Why? Well, tattoos for me have meaning. Deep meaning. I was approaching a point in my career where I was going to start "swimming with the sharks" and I wanted something to represent where I fit in that hierarchy. As I describe it today; "Dolphins are intelligent, resourceful, strong, cunning, and empathetic... and when a shark threatens them, they hunt it down and kill it."

Things happened in my career and I was no longer in those waters. As a matter of fact, I was pushed to the back waters. Well, things are changing and I am now actually swimming with the sharks. Not only am I in those waters, I am ready to take on, personally, the power of dolphin.

The photos are behind the cut for the bandwidth impaired.

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I am
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not a fan of being sick.

Sometime on Friday night or Saturday morning, I started showing signs of fever and it really took hold on Saturday. I've been allowing myself sleep and naps, I've been (mostly) drinking fluids, and I've tried not to be stupid, including taking today and likely tomorrow off work.

I am currently at the annoying stage where, when I sit still for more than 20 minutes, I feel like I've got the energy to do something, and then I, say, climb the stairs... yeah, not so much. I am improving rapidly however, for which I am eternally grateful for my constitution. I was worried it was bronchitis setting in, but while the cough sounds (and feels) like it, I have non of the other bronchitis symptoms, including the fact that I can take full breaths without pain or coughing. Anyway, I do not do "patient" well, but I am attempting to learn, hence staying away from work. At least I'm fairly certain the fever has broken.

So, on the
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slightly better side of things.

I, actually all of us on the team, have a temporary reprieve from the stupid long hours. The document is in review and we wait till post review to get our new assignments. This means that through the holiday weekend, I'm on normal hours... including having the whole holiday weekend off. On Monday afternoon, yes I will at least have to check my email, or on Tuesday morning I will get my assignments on the document and may be back on really long hours. In the mean time however, I will be enjoying leaving the office at a reasonable hour, and having a weekend of downtime to enjoy time with friends and family.

Oh yes, and sleep. Did I mention sleep?
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I have not
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posted in quite a while, other than my drunk night posts, so I figured I'd give an update.

Work is a 4 letter word right now. A large number of us are "volunteering" to put in weekends and long work days. I'm not putting in as much time as some of the others, but this past week I had 27 hours on my timecard by Monday COB. I actually went into the office today; last Saturday I worked from home. I'm fried and I don't even care that I'm posting this in the clear. The worst part of all of this is that it didn't need to come to this. If we'd started a coordinated effort the week the RFP dropped, we wouldn't be trying to do 9 weeks worth of work in 4. I'm tired of my job and I've lost faith in the corporation. The issue is finding at job at my job grade and salary in the Capital District. I knew that might be a challenge when I took the job and with the economy in the state it's in, things are worse now. If you don't think Sequestration is hurting anyone, you've not tried to look for jobs that support the public sector. Anyway, I am looking, and hopefully the situation will break for the better soon.

Add to the work situation that our insurance company will cancel our coverage if we don't fix the dry rot on the porch and paint the house by Dec 31. Taint happenin'. I will be researching new insurance shortly. We spoke with the City Engineer, who will be helping us with contacts to get things under way, but best case, if we have the financing, is spring 2014. So, there's that little stress.

This week was also not good since Clue was in the ER with chest pains and multiple other symptoms. It turns out it is not cardiac in nature, for which I (and she) am grateful, but there was a bit of stress related to that during the week. You would think that working the day after my wife was in the ER with chest pains would be enough to cover me not going in today... oh well.

All this is probably a major factor as to why my thyroid dosage has also gone up. I will be seeing the acupuncturist very soon to help working on all these factors.

I need a new job, fortunately I have a weeks vacation coming up in a month where I will be seeing some very dear friends I've not seen in far too long. That, and I refuse to give up on a positive attitude, no matter how much stress and frustration I've been feeling of late.
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I might
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be accidentally drunk.

If you ask me something, I might just answer...

Where would you rather die?
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Spoiler warning for Pacific Rim

Art does not apologize, but I will state up front that I am a photographer, not an author,

I have been reflecting, as many have, on character motivations in Pacific Rim and have to say, Stacker Pentacost is an amazingly complex character. It is my supposition that he did not ever intend to survive the final assault on the breach.

Keep in mind, when he finds Raleigh, he asks him “Where would you rather die, here, or in a Jaeger?". Now consider, Stacker himself is a fighter, a Jaeger pilot (like Marines, you are either active duty, non-active duty, or dead, just sayin’), and massively unhealthy and/or dying. Where do you think he wants to die; directing from the sidelines, or in a Jaeger?

Later, he tells Raleigh, “You’re here because you are the only other pilot to drive a Jaeger in combat solo.". This is key, why would he have needed someone he knew could drive a Jaeger solo, unless he planned for that eventuality to have occurred. His original plan was to allow Raleigh a different co-pilot until the assault on the breach and then bump them for himself. He knew the trip in Gipsy would kill him but had planned for the return of both the Jaeger and of Raleigh. This is one of the many reasons why he did not want Mako to drift with Raleigh, he didn’t want to have to remove his daughter from the mission. There are many other reasons he didn’t want Mako in the Jaeger, but others have covered those much better than I.

I also posit that it was Stacker’s intention to leave Mako in the Marshall’s position while all the other crews assaulted the breach. Obviously that did not happen, but he was still provided the opportunity to die in a manner of his choosing when Herc was injured.

Why?

Because where would you rather die; here, or in a Jaeger?

I know my choice.

I am
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drinking tonight and taking questions. Questions and answers are hidden unless requested otherwise

It is with
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very sad tidings that I must let you all know of the passing of Brother Godric.

[personal profile] cluegirl and I just returned from the clinic.

The state of me is
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not as good as I'd care for.

Outside of work, things are pretty good. Actually, they'd be really good if work didn't keep dripping over the rails and sullying things. I don't have the energy I'd like. I don't have the good spirits I should. I'm certainly not the generally happy person I normally am. Fortunately my wife, my girlfriend and all our other friends are around and very supportive.

I've really started into the gardening this year. I added 4 new beds and I have the materials for a 5th. I may lay in the 5th before the 2nd plantings, since we should have the old dead shed out and that's where I've slated to put it. I've made some definite mistakes this year, including not starting certain plants soon enough inside, though I did start them earlier than last year. I'm learning and gaining a lay of doing it properly. I'm expanding my library and taking 30 min when I get home from work to spend it on the walker, at a very slow pace, and reading up on the hows, the whys and the whats. This is helping a lot and moving me along in my goals.

Work? Well, work is a soul sucking, life draining experience right now. Five years ago, I was second in the department and being groomed to take the department over. I was being mentored and trained in all the various aspects of running the department. Now, I'm number four at best, and I wouldn't hang my hat on that. I'm relegated to "the data guy" and even then not really given full credit or sway. I am not part of the strategic discussions or decisions. My career at this point is stalled, after having spent several years in reverse. I am so done and so ready to get the hell out. I don't trust the majority of the people I work with or for and those that I don't actively distrust, I have little or no reason to actually trust them.

I at least come home to a place I love and people I love, but I also come home drained, exhausted and depressed. I'm looking for the right change. I'm also living in the world of looking up and storing information on homesteading. Getting out completely is so appealing and quite frankly, something I've wanted for so very long. I'm not saying living off the grid, just saying I want to be self sustaining. I'll work harder than I ever have in my life, and I'll likely be happier than at any point in "career".

We shall see.

A long
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overdue post about the state of me.

I am currently fighting depression pretty hard and quite frankly, I'm losing. That's the short story.

The longer story starts, and pretty much ends, with I hate my job. I really am reticent to post anything about work on public sites, even when my name is not directly connected, because I know future employers look at such things. I know this, because I do. That being said, I have hit the cliff where I need a place to vent and for the most part, this is where the people that will listen are... assuming they're still listening since I've been quiet for so long.

At this point, my career... isn't. 5 years ago, I was a rising star on the project and in the company. I was the number 2 in my department. I had visibility from other sectors and divisions within the company. Today, I am number 5 in the department and with the corporate wide reorg, likely going to drop even further. My views are only listened to in a very narrow range of my skillset and even then only occasionally, when it fits with the 'vision' they have. My expertise doesn't matter when I tell them they are on the wrong path, because it is the path that is deemed desirable. I am an obstructionist, incapable of change when I disagree. I'm only an expert when I agree.

I should have followed the signs when my boss changed 4 years ago. I should have left the company when I was at a high and now, I'm at a low and dropping and in a market that makes it an extreme challenge to move at my job grade.

I'm tired and not operating anywhere near 100%. Depression defends itself, so I'm having a hard time keeping after the exercise. I can't stay focused on anything long enough for it to help. My photography is stalled at best, I have no thoughts. I am literally losing sleep because of my job, and if that weren't bad enough, when I do sleep, half the time I'm dreaming of work.

This is me, not in a good headspace and trying to tread water. I will pull through, its what I do, but this time the cause and trigger of my depression will not potentially split my friendships and I can post about it and I can reach out and I can honestly say to people I know, "I need help". One of the caveats to that help however is, I cannot relocate as part of a new job. That has many reasons, but it is still a truth.

Customer Service
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is not completely dead.

So, this is a product endorsement, I am however not being paid by the company.

Catt and I have several Copco cups, as in the link below. One day I dropped one on the concrete and the lid cracked and started leaking. The more we used it, the larger the crack got. I contacted the company and asked to buy a replacement. Instead, they sent me a replacement lid for free. It took a couple of weeks of back and forth communication, but the lid arrived today.

This my friends, is the sort of customer service I thought was dead in the world... or at least dying a painful death. As a result, I will now look to their products first whenever possible.


http://www.copco.com/store/site/product.cfm/id/C84885B4-1E0B-C910-EACB6B75138984A7/fid/C84A9D2A-1E0B-C910-EACFA7F4CA9EB581.cfm

Uggg
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I had intended that tonight I would update the journal for real, with all the stuff running round in my head. That was until this morning, when for the first, I experienced a migraine; a pretty bad one from what I understand. I have never had a headache bad enough that it effected my vision and made me want to barf. Now I have. :P

I will actually make the intended post or posts later in the weekend, when my braincells don't hate each other.

Part of the reason I'm whining here is so that I have a log in case it happens again. I'd like to be able to have dates and what not if I have to go to the doctor about it.
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It is
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again time to post my Arisia Schedule. 10 panels this year and none on Monday. Pretty good really.

Cut for the uninterestedCollapse )

So, the apocolypse
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wasn't... sorta.

The world didn't end but apparently Aquila (my laptop) did. It may be the motherboard that is fried. I ended up going to BestBuy on Saturday *shudder* to have the Geek Squad look at it and their verdict was not good. A co-worker has a side business that is computer repair, including Dell certified, and I'm going to ask him to look into it for the price of some beer :)

In the mean time, we had bought a Mac Mini a few months back as a living room computer in order to see if I was going to be happy with Mac as a primary machine. I seriously like the capabilities surrounding photo editing on the Mac but I'm not sure about the whole experience. Well, guess what is currently my primary machine. I guess I'll be figuring out sooner rather than later how I feel.

The real issue right now is that I have no licensed copies of any of the software I use and I don't know about putting the expense into it if I decide I'm going back to the PC. One of the real reasons I'm leaning that direction right now is that Mac seems to think that optical drives are a thing of the past. Well, I back all my photography up to optical; I burn CDs and DVDs for my models and customers; I like to drop a DVD in and watch it from time to time; I have a longer list, but you get the idea. I also do NOT want another piece of hardware laying on my desk. We shall see because any decision is 6 months away at best.

Not a happy Dominus here, but at least I have a strong backup to use and I'm not in the dark.
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I have declared
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that tonight I will drink far more wine than I should.

We are having our delayed Thanksgiving tonight, which will be delicious and moist. I have not been as much a part of the prep as I desired since I spent 11 hours in the ER last night. No, I did not break rule #1, I had escorts. The first came just as I finished dinner with Clue, Spider and Mark. This one was the emotionally harder of the two as it was a pediatric. As we were wrapping up this one, the ER coordinator stuck her head in and ask the SANE if she was oncall for the night, she was not; I however was. The second case started off in the crisis ward and so we had to wait a bit. Then due to a long series of things, I didn't leave the hospital till 6:45. I didn't crawl into bed until 7:00, after I'd been up for about 23 hours. I slept till 11 and took a nap at 2:30 so I could stay awake through dinner. Now, there will be wine, and a lot of it to go with a lot of food. I will be breaking the law of 2... unless you're count bottles.

This past week is fired. More on that in a post tomorrow. Additionally, I will be making about post about Connecticut that is the result of a couple of hours of conversations with 1st and 2nd responders last night. Not ones from CT, but still, I can tell you that there is a very different set of stories that don't end up in the normal news, because they don't sell copy, but they have an extremely great effect on community.

Anyway... now it's off for food and drink. I'll be back online later if there's anything you want to chat about... just remember, I will likely not be sober.
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and indeed
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I am having a drunk question night.

For those that don't know, from time to time, I feel the need to imbibe a good deal of booze. This has a tendency for me to drop the filters and thus I open the things up to those who wish to ask a question or three and get an answer that isn't fully filtered.

I screen all questions and do not unscreen the question or answer.

I am glad
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to see November waning. This has not been a good month on so many levels.

The month started with a trip to World Fantasy in Toronto. Actually, it wasn't too bad except for the parts where I had to drive in Toronto. I honestly never thought I'd drive in a place where there was something worse than the Dallas Mix Master (and yes, I've driven in LA, Boston, Chicago, DC and Atlanta). The freeway system in Toronto is... nuts and was under construction in multiple places. I didn't get out and shoot as I'd planned but well, that was me and the weather. Somebody forgot a hat and scarf. It was several days away from the office where, it turns out, my Blackberry doesn't work.

We came back and the very next night was an ER trip to the vet for Godric, whom likely wouldn't have made it through the night if we hadn't. 24 hours in an oxygen tent, Echo Cardiograms, specialists, etc and now every time he so much as sneezes Clue and I are en pointe. His follow-up did not yield the results we'd desired (actually more fluid in his lungs, not less) and we still have all the trauma of medicating him.

On top of that, less than a week later, I almost woke Clue in the middle of the night to take Hilfy in. Ended up waiting till the morning however, she's got an upper respiratory infection that also requires medication twice daily.

Work has been. That's about all I can say. We're in the middle of a corporate restructuring,literally from the CEO down and I'm far enough down the food chain that I'm not going to know what/where/how until sometime around March. Throw into the mix that the account is also restructuring, and I've no clue where any of that sits due to ex-boss' departure and current boss still trying to figure out how he wants the organization and what he can convince upper management to do and I'm in limbo. And while yes, I'm fully aware it could be worse (unemployment), it doesn't mean it's good. There are other things going on at the company as well, things that I should be involved in but can't get visibility or traction on any of them. I'm at a point where I'm pretty sure my career at this company has hit a dead end. So, I continue on with the job hunting, which is challenging at my job level in Albany.

As if that wasn't enough for November, I've been fighting a depression for a couple of months now. I'm exercising again, which is helping. As are other things I've been doing however, it's tough with everything else going on. Not bad enough for medication yet, but I am keeping my eye on it. At least I've managed to recognize when past demons are raising their head and been able to ask for things I need from those around me to avoid becoming hyper emo. Fortunately, I have an understanding wife and girlfriend.

I'm sure there's more, but in the mean time, as November closes next week, I will be glad to see it move along.
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At some
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point this weekend, I will post about the goings on of the last month.

For tonight I shall simply say that at some point this weekend, likely tomorrow, I'll be having a drunk night. I might even be having a drunk question night. Either way, there will be booze in my future.

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